‘Tis the season

 The end of the year is starting to draw in now so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting understanding the positives of the year and the negatives, however with the negatives trying to see what can be improved or changed for next year. This year has been challenging by far the most challenging I’ve ever had but you don’t grow without these challenges. Having Dominic changed my life around completely and for the better- he is probably the one that has taught me the most in this year. It’s certainly the year I’ve grown up most in. 

For a start you learn to appreciate the little things more, smile more, let go of the bitter past and move forward with the present. Seeing Dominic smile just lights up the world around me; reminds me how much a smile gives, how much it can make someone’s day or give them hope that the day will get better. Society these days need to learn to smile more, smile at strangers, make conversations at tills with employees, majority of them aren’t happy to be there either. 

Last night I watched pride of Britain.It broke my heart, had me pouring out tears but also inspired me by the courage and extraordinary lengths people went to in order to save lives and make a difference in the world. Sounds cheesy but every little does help. I know yes I face my own challenges but someone out there has it a lot worse or has similar challenges but doing something about it. So next year I plan to do more about the negatives in my life. I plan to lose the baby weight and try not to be so negative about it, make the most of Dominic growing up instead of whining about it. Most importantly I want to start to try and raise money for charities and work with different charities.

Abi xoxo

P.s I had a brain block so yes this took my muddled brain a week to do

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Unexpected twists and regrets

I don’t really know how I’m going to start this post, where it’s going to go or how I’m going to write it but we shall see. Life never gives you what you want without a rollcoaster of events, sometimes they are spread apart whilst others are all squashed together; hitting you all at once like rush hour on the tube. The question is how do we cope? Think about all the horrible things we’ve said and done? Regret decisions and mistakes? Start overthinking everything? We feel like we are drowning, gasping for air and it’s a horrible feeling. 

In these times you panic then go from being the strong one second to breaking into a million pieces, you forget to breathe. You don’t always have to be the strong one, you’ve got to remember the amazing support you have around you. It’s ok to get upset, we are all human, we all have emotions and we all make mistakes. Honestly at the moment my emotions are great one second then I’m the moodiest bitch going. 

The only thing I do in those moments is think about and look at my beautiful boy and realise life is ok, he’s completely oblivious to the world around him, and it’s the pure innocence in his eyes that keep me going. When times get hard it just takes one person to smile, stranger or not to realise all is not bad. Remember the positives, remember to breathe and remember everything will happen for the right reasons. Each day is a fresh start. Smile, ask if people are ok whether you know them well or not, whether it be social media or not. They might just need you, a friendship could form that you never thought could. And in that are many positives (including more coffee). 

With so much negativity please try to bring the positivity back with smiles, kindness and self love. Each day at the end of it I always think of 3 things I’m grateful for, 3 positive things that happened and what I can work on another day. Remember to take a few deep breathes, everything gets better over time even in the darkest moments. I really feel like some people might need to hear this. 

Abi xoxo 

A home away 

 

For 5 days was  grateful to have a holiday, my first as a mother, with a crying baby and pram (the hassle has been unreal). However seeing family- some of which I hadn’t seen in 5 and a half years – the experience was wonderful. For those that don’t know, my grandparents live in Portugal, almost in the corner of the Algarve- in a little quaint village called Salema. 

Over the years more and more people are learning about salema with the perfect beach, great food and brilliant atmosphere. Not to mention the fact it’s 20 minutes from the beautiful towns of Lagos and Sagres. After moving house in England so much, Portugal has been the one of those places I can just land in the country and feel like I’ve just landed at home. No matter if I only visit once a year some of the locals still recognise me and ask how I am, giving me that warm tingling feeling inside. 

Everything about Portugal is perfect, the food (Gambas-Lagos, Agua na Boca- Salema, lorenços- Salema) just to name a few. The culture- in England it’s rare to come across people saying good morning/afternoon/night etc… putting you in that good mood and a positive outlook on the day ahead especially when the sun is beaming down on your face. 

The coffee cake is the best out there. 

I am lucky my grandparents live out there and this trip was made even more wonderful by my aunt, uncle and cousins being there (who I hadn’t seen in 5 years). The smile rarely left my face until realisation hit that they are no longer my baby cousins but grown up into the most beautiful and intelligent young ladies. I’m hoping one day Lewis will have the opportunity to meet them but unfortunately he had to miss out on this trip. Hopefully we will all be able to meet like this again. 

On that note whilst I think about the warm evenings, the fact I didn’t burn!!! whilst being under my duvet trying to stay warm as autumn and winter sets in. Just remind yourselves that summer may have been short but it was a good one, look back at your summer memories and smile. Besides Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas is just round the corner- whoop whoop!! 

Love abi xo 

What I want to achieve this summer

It has been the most hectic month yet, Lewis passing out as a soldier, the long drives visiting family here, there and everyone. The car journeys have given me the chance to think. Short term goals and long terms. God knows they seem to change every week, every day, every second. My emotions have been like the tides in the ocean, up and down not quite sitting in either for too long. 

My achievements aren’t just about myself but about baby Dominic too. One achievement I would like to hope is that he will sleep throughout the night by the end of the summer. Going to do various things with Dominic switch up our activities stimulate both our minds more. So much put there to do and I’m not making the most of my time to do it. It will be a summer of fulfilment not regret.  

Obviously I’m always going to have various things to do with my health that I want to achieve but now growing up, looking back on the past, I want to stop caring about the scales. If you’re happy, eat right and try different exercises you enjoy then what’s the issue? Woman’s health have been campaigning #inmyshape and I couldn’t be more supportive of it. That’s what I want to be, happy with the body I have. 

Speaking about the past, I spend way to much time living in it, or thinking about the future. Not enough time in the present. One needs to embrace the now, let go of the past and take the future as it comes. We never know how much time we have left, Dominic could go tomorrow or Lewis, the time we have as family with each other is precious. In the chaos will we ever find balance? 

Balance of friends, family, quality time together and time with ourselves as individuals. In this day and age does anyone actually have true balance in their lives? Even to come close to it would ease the mind and be a blessing. The aim is to make progress on finding balance. One day hopefully it will be achieved. 

However as of now in the current moment, I have a sleeping deadweight baby in my arms giving me pins and needles, the sun is shining, I’ve spoken with ones I care about and I’m feeling quite content. Lunch at pizza express later with darling Amy gives me high hopes that today will be a good day. 

Abi xoxo 

My mental health story

Whilst baby and I are sat at home stuck with a stinking cold, I’m somewhat uninspired for a blog post , therefore in the spirit of mental health awareness month I’m going to write my story. 

When speaking to my family they always remember me when I was younger for being the joyful smiley child, rarely I was moody or upset, unfortunately like a lot of people this all changed in secondary school. The years of judgement and feeling like “I’m not pretty enough” or “I’m not skinny enough” that’s why nobody likes me. Everyone has clear skin why do I have spots all over my face. It got to the point where one music lesson a boy (no name telling, two wrongs don’t make a right) stabbed me multiple times in the face with his pencil, repeatedly saying “you’ve got a spot there”. I cried my eyes out after that day. 

Then year 8 and 9 came about and that’s when the change started to happen, with the pressure of school I started seeing the school councillor , it got to the point where I spent majority of my lunches and breaks in their room as well as sessions on top. Year 9 was when the self harm started and it got really bad, to the point of attempted suicide, then it happened again in year 10 and year 11 even my first year in college. Year 10 was when I started seeing things on the wall in blood and hearing voices all the time telling me I would never be good enough. 

That was when the running began, at first it was just to be healthy and have a better body that I was proud of, that had a different affect, it became obsessive I would go on an hours run at 5 in the morning and do an extra hour of working out after school. What started out with good intentions turned into something that was destroying me day by day. 

Looking at the photos above I realise I had gotten too skinny, i wasn’t eating enough at one point or I binged on everything bad for me. But on these photos everyone was saying that I was looking really good and how was I doing it. I point blank lied to everyone saying oh it’s just exercise and eating right. All lies but the compliments made it easier for me to trick my mind into making it seem like I was doing it in a healthy way. I managed to believe all my lies. 

College it still continued to be bad but I had my ups more than my downs, the down days would hit me hard and slam me into a brick wall. HOWEVER that was when i made the decision to drop out and change my life for the better, I wanted to be better, back then it was just for my mum and my sister. When you’re 18 CAMHS send you off, I was then moved onto Italk. I put my hands up and surrendered, admitted that I had a problem and give them credit as I’m not the easiest person to deal with in the those sorts of situations they helped. I never considered CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to work until I decided to just try. They made me realise my depression triggered my anxiety and not the other way round 

After being in therapy for years I’m finally out. If it wasn’t for the likes of Lewis and my family I wouldn’t of deleted my suicidal themed tumblr which used to trigger the hell out of me. Now that I’ve had my baby boy, mum said I’m turning into my happier old self again and she’s seen a change and I agree. Yes I have scars all over my body but not as bad as some have it and yes Dominic will grow up with a mummy that has scars on her. Life is better and I made it, mental health is a serious matter, you never know what people are going through. It’s not something to be made seem normal or ok or something beautiful because it’s not.  It’s absolute F***ing hell. Sometimes you have to visit the deepest worst place in the world to learn what life really has to offer and how to handle the bad better and embrace the positive and be grateful for it. 

This was a very brief insight into my story maybe one day I’ll be able to explain everything that happened or explain some causes of everything, I’m not “recovered” but I’m definitely a lot closer to it than I ever have been before. 

Big love to my family and friends for making me see my worth, and to Dominic who is the absolute light of my life. 

Abi xox

Life is too short 

After recent events (A fair few) life has hit me smack bang in the face with a new perspective. No one knows how long anyone is going to live, so why do we worry about the little things? Everyone speaks out about living everyday like it’s your last, enjoying and being grateful for what you have but how many people go through with that? 

What happened to making time to see the ones you care about instead of just texting them or picking up the phone to check up on how people are doing? The art of conversation has been lost through technology, everyone is too busy on their phones or laptops to enjoy the time and the quality of people around them. Live in the moment. Take every mistake as a lesson. 

One of my biggest issues is leaving Dominic to go out by myself and just have time with friends and I, going for a drink or going clubbing. Yes he is growing but I need to grow still too. Everyone needs a break but I am grateful for every moment I have with him. Life is too short. If you want to travel around the world, save up and do it. A career or dream you want to do- work hard  and achieve it. Nothing is ever impossible when you put your mind to it. 

We all care too much about others opinions and not enough of our own. Do something for your happiness and not everyone else’s, there is always going to be someone that has to speak up and disagree or say something nasty about what you do and your lifestyle choices. Be selfish. It’s ok to be selfish every now and again, you may want to please everyone but unfortunately you never can. 

Do it now before it’s too late as you will never know what tomorrow brings. Live everyday as your last it’s not worth missing out of opportunities you were able to do. 

Be grateful for what you have and make the most of it. 

Abi xoxo

Family isn’t always blood.

This is probably going to my most personal blog post yet but it has to be written.

I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of the doctors, sunlight pouring in waiting for my last therapy session. I’ve been waiting for this day for YEARS. Now I’m actually sitting here, it’s quite daunting knowing this is it, time to face the world by myself now, how will I cope? When this is all I’m used to, there’s one answer for it.

Family, I’m not talking blood related, I’m talking the ones who are always there for you when you need them, the ones who never let you down, will always pick up the phone and know how to bring you back up into that happy place. That’s friends but also family. My baby boy, my partner and mums side of the family they’re the ones that get me through everyday.

Even mums friends, half of them are my second family, when mum went away whilst I was pregnant they were there for me, not my father nor his side of the family but my mums friends. Then there is my step dad who has been an absolute treasure as well as his family that I’m proud to call my own, some of the most caring and funniest people I know.

The last session of therapy is a massive up yours to the one that is my dad, to this day he never has and probably never will support my sister and I in the way we need/needed him to. Just like him and his family said “we may be blood related but we are no longer family”. I must say now I’ve come to terms on it, this has opened my eyes as to who my real family is. Thanks to that I’m in a much better place, a much happier person and a nicer person to be around overall.

So I thank you dad for teaching me this lesson, if you read this please take this from me: treat my baby sister better than you treated us.

Therapy is done and I’m never going to go back to needing it again. This is a thank you to my family the ones who fight to see me, ask me how I am and support me through everything.

However to dad I hope you realise the pain you caused but know it taught me the truth, I’m no longer mad about it, but still up yours. I’ve made it and I’m doing it without you.

Abi xoxo